I thought my last entry was the last, but I have been neglected. Thus, I have time for another entry. My heart is practically bleeding right now because my Spanish family left me alone in the apartment for the last 3 hours of my time in Pamplona. My parents went out and so did Iker and Amaia. I´m heartbroken, seriously. I knew that we all didn´t have the best relationship ever, but I pictured my last night in Pamplona as a nice family dinner at least and at least sitting around the tv together. I thought they would stay up with me until I had to leave at 1:30 in the morning and we would say our goodbyes then.
The night started out ok. Beatriz came over to hang out, so I talked with her and Amaia for a while. Then, I met my intercambio Estefanía for a while, we walked around the city and talked for the last time. That was enjoyable and extra-interesting because there is a manifestation (protest, gathering, show of spirit, whatever you want to call it) for the basques in Navarra today. Basically, people are showing their nationality for this region of Spain... which is a long and controversial subject that I have learned a lot about since I have been here, but it´s not really clear enough for me to explain it in a blog. It´s a big scary issue with a terrorist group called ETA that wants to separate this region (it´s called a autonomous community, and Navarra is one of 17 of them that exist in spain. pamplona is a city within navarra) from the rest of the country. It has been a big issue for a long time and it will probably continue to be an issue for a long time. Anyhow, nothing too scary was happening today when we walked around... a lot of people with flags, people came in from all parts of spain i guess. It was packed packed packed in the old part of the city. The only violence i saw was when we had to run through the street for ten seconds because i believe a cop fired a shot. That´s the second time that has happened to me in Pamplona, and honestly, it´s pretty freaky. I don´t think it´s a real bullet, but it´s like a sound to scare people away or something. Not quite sure,but I´m glad i was with Estefanía this time and Amaia last time it happened, closer to the beginning of my stay here.
When I returned home, Amaia revealed to me the beautiful cake that she had made for my goodbye. It was so sweet. It was all chocolate with chocolate frosting cuz she knows how much I love it and she even made home-made hot chocolate to drink too cuz she knows i don´t drink coffee. Bea, Amaia, Iker and I ate and drank together for one last time and it was pretty sad. We talked, but eventually Bea had plans to meet her friends for dinner.
That´s when things got horrible. My spanish parents came into the kitchen all dressed up and ready to go out. I was shocked. I didn´t expect them to be going out. i know it´s saturday night, but it´s my last night here! they didn´t invite me to do anything with them! and pilar goes into this whole speech on how she knows that i have had a rough time here and that i haven´t really liked it but i learn from every experience and she hopes that i have a good future and blah blah blah. and i was like, no! i didn´t NOT enjoy myself here! she made it sound like i hated the experience! i was trying to explain that i loved the experience. yea, i know i was upset at times about my health and such, but she totally must have taken it the wrong way the whole time, thinking that i didn´t like spain or living in her house. maybe that´s why she has been so cold to me in the past few weeks - because she thinks i don´t like living in her house. which has been true lately, i suppose, but she made me seem like i hated everything here, which is so untrue. it really hurt my feelings. but what hurt my feelings the most is the impression i get that she and pepe really don´t like me.
and when i say this, i really mean it. yesterday, and various times in the past, they have talked to me about how much they loved some of the past ohio kids that have stayed with thim. and yesterday they were going on and on about how great this kid daniel was. and they were saying how daniel is very maja (a great person) and they were like ¨we´re not talking about you, we´re talking about another boy who stayed with us¨ and they just talked for so long about him and then anohter boy that stayed with them, and it made me so upset. because i lived with this family for three months and they don´t even like me one bit. and it´s obvious to me. i´m not just saying it. i have a hard time dealing with the fact that people don´t like me, but especially when they are people who i wanted to consider my own family and that i have been trying to hard to be perfect for and trying so hard to be polite for and trying so hard to be close to. it just really hurts. and it was so evident that they could care less if i was leaving tonight. they just left me here in the house, barely any goodbye at all.
i gave them their gift, and i put a lot of time into writing the note. i dont´think they even really liked it much. they didn´t even look at the note i wrote them and i wanted to shout at them to read it because maybe then they would understand that i really have enjoyed the experience and they got the complete wrong impression of things.
i was so broken when they left the house. so broken. i feel like this goodbye was the worst goodbye it could be because they don´t even care that i´m going to be gone and they´ll never see me again. i´m just like this object to them, something to feed for a few months and i have tried to hard to improve my communication and adapt to their culture, but it doesn´t even matter to them. and so here i am sitting at their computer for the last time, crying as i type this. just crying. because how can you live with a family for three months and then they just leave with barely a goodbye? it kills me. it really hurts. how is it that i feel like i tried so hard to just fit in and be a good part of their family and they left me with such a goodbye?
ouch.
then, you see, Bea might very possibly be my favorite person here in Spain. She and I really get along so well, she´s such a nice girl, and she really makes the effort to make sure I understand what they are talking about and that I feel comfortable (for the most part). She´s so sweet and so fun, and when she left, the sadness increased. maybe she´s the only one who really liked me in the end out of the family and friends here.
next, Amaia and Iker decided to go to a movie. we barely spoke beforehand, Amaia was just getting ready, and there weren´t many words to exchange when we parted. I didn´t really know what to say at all. I was just hurt. That´s all I was. That´s all I am. I´m wasting my last few hours in Pamplona here by myself because I have nobody to be with and nobody who wants to be with me. After three months spending time with these people, it´s just a harsh reality.
So maybe it´s for the better. Maybe this hurt just proves how important my real family and friends are and how much I really value them. I´m going to come home to something so much better than this.
So, maybe my goodbyes here have been bittersweet. It doesn´t change how I feel abou tthis experience and Spain. They have both been incredible, unregrettable, life-changing. I have learn so much, but the most important thing I have learned about is who I am. There has been the good and there has been the bad. But in the end, I´m a different Danielle. I´m a different person. I don´t mean that I´m gonna be noticably different to people... I´ll probably act the same. But inside, I know more about myself, how I think, how I look at the world, how things happen, how things change. I can´t think for a second that this wasn´t worth my while.
Life is always changing. We are always adapting. My life is about to change in a huge way once again. But this time I´m ready for it, and I´m ready for everything. I´m ready to start this next part of my life, to move on from this spanish experience. It all starts now and I´m ready.
Nos vamos en América.
No comments:
Post a Comment