weakness and recovery.

i hate being such a downer, and i think this entry will be a bit more positive than the previous. i received 4 medicines from an optometrist here and a vitamin from the other doctor for the mosquito bites (as he diagnoses the several strange bumps) on my skin. that was yesterday.

today i´m feeling sick. sick because my body is weak from this and sick because my mind is tired and scared. i reached another low today... the fear of all this stuff caught up with me and the fact that i´m so far from being myself and just comfortable here in spain. i think the adjustments would have been a lot easier had i been healthy like i normally am. it´s just weird that all these crazy things should be happening to my body at the same time... i have had years where nothing this serious has happened at all.

i broke down. i cried, in my room, by myself. i utterly felt alone and didn´t see the necessity in racking up a huge phone bill for another call home. i don´t know why i couldn´t just calm myself or just call someone. but i think the crying needed to come... it is one of those releases that sometimes i cannot prevent.

my spanish parents were horrified (maybe that´s not the exact right word... they felt horrible) when they saw me so upset. and after 5 minutes of trying to explain to my spanish mom how i was feeling and that, NO I didn´t want to go back to the United States, I wasn´t THAT upset, i think she understood just what i was feeling.

she called nelson, the teacher in charge of all my program-mates and i while we are in spain, the man who takes me to all the doctors, is there to help whenever i need it.... basically one of the best people i have ever met. he has never-ending support for all of us, and everything would be infinitely harder without him always helping out. anyway, she called him to get the full story of what the doctors had said about my health. i finally understand a little better. i had this inflamation in my eye back in ohio, but the inflamation has just stayed there, and the medicine i had been prescribed was either wrong, or just not working. it´s a serious case because by no means should an infection this serious still be there - it needs to be eliminated immediately. however, i guess they caught it in an ok stage where things still should be able to be fixed. but i´m being highly medicated with strong strong medicine. at least that is what i have deduced because it stings when i put the eyeddrops in, and the pill he gave me was so strong that he had to give me another one to take with it that will prevent it from upsetting my stomach. probably, that is why i´m so weak right now. i´m assuming the two varieties of eye drops are stronger types of steriods (because they were steroids that they prescribed me in the u.s.)... the doctor said the treatment needs to be brief and aggressive. and one of the reasons i´m not seeing very well in my left eye is that they dialated it so much yesterday and it needs to go back to normal.

oh, spanish mom is calling. we´re going out for a bit to wake me up a little. i just slept almost all the day. more updates later.

p.s. i´m gonna be fine. i am.

updates as of midnight....

i wanted to write more before, but my spanish mom wanted me to come out and run some errands with her... she thought it would be good for me to get out, and it definitely was great. we looked for some matresses... and sheesh, everything is sooooo expensive in pamplona. can´t imagine permanently living here. although i did find a cashmere sweater for myself today for 15 euro (maybe 22ish dollars?). i tell myself i deserve to shop because it´s the time of ¨rebajas segundas¨ and it´s pretty much all huge sales now. and also, because i love clothes and i will appreciate tehm even after i have returned to the united states.

anyway, what i wanted to say before was that i really really really am so lucky i have a great host family. i sometimes forget to appreciate them fully. they may not be my real family, but they treat me with so much care that i might as well be there kid. today, when i was upset, pilar and pepe kept telling me everythign was gonna be fine, i´m gonna be healthy, i´m still young... blah blah blah, hugging me, telling me i just needed to relax, take a nap, and stop worrying. it was really so sweet... i can´t really describe it in words. but the thing is, they were just there for me the second i needed them, and it´s so sweet.

after i went on some errands with pilar, i went out with amaia and her friend beatriz before dinner. i guess it´s really common for people to go to bars before and after dinner on the weekends. they were packed, and it was only like 8! imagine starting to drink before you even officially go out. it was strange. what customs they have in spain...

anyway, i am pretty sure that amaia and beatriz are my favorite people here. they are such fun girls to hang out with and we miraculously have so much in common. it´s a shame that i have to keep seeing my intercambios, two people with which i have little in common... and that i could care less if i ever saw again in my life... rather than getting my school credit for hanging out with spanish kids who i actually like. they are great. beatriz is a real music fiend and she´s just so cute. anne hu, if you are reading this... she reminds me of you!! and amaia is beyond description - i dont´know if i have ever met someone quite so upbeat/crazy/fun/cute in my life. she just makes you happy to be around her (most of the time... but i can tell there´s the whole ugh, my parents annoy me a lot syndrome when the whole family is together... just like in any situation). amaia will just start humming a song or dancing around the kitchen while she cooks, she´s just random and happy and so in love with her boyfriend that it makes everyone around happy. and i enjoy being in their company because they can talk about serious, intelligent stuff like the terrorist activity here, or problems with the universities, etc, and they can talk about stupid things like chicos guapos (good-looking boys, of course!) and maquillarse (putting on make-up) and music and all that fun stuff that girls like to bond over. it´s a nice balance.

amaia and beatriz
i am not going out with them tonight (regretfully) because i want to focus on my health. i just get so exhausted and feel yucky the next day because it´s like against the law to return to your house before 4 in the morning, and i am not good at adjusting to that time.

so yea, i have talked about my health problems, my spanish friends and family, and i think that´s what´s occupying my thoughts right now.

i finished my book and was really bummed out (mom)... in conclusion, i think it´s dull. i´m sorry. that´s the truth... but i guess it kept me busy for a while.

i´m updating some pictures in my blog, so check back to the barcelona entry for some displays of beauty...